Understanding the Origins of Our Behavioral Patterns: A Path to Healthier Relationships
Do these situations sound familiar to you or someone you know?
“I find myself so frustrated every day with always having to put my needs aside for my partner or my family. Everyone needs something from me, and I just keep giving and giving until I'm completely exhausted. And yet here I go again, saying yes when I don’t want to.”
“Why do I keep making excuses for my partner’s rude and disrespectful comments? I know he had a bad upbringing, and he doesn’t know how to show emotions. He keeps saying he’s sorry, and I want to believe him. I know I deserve better. Why do I keep putting up with this?”
These are common feelings often associated with co-dependent habits—patterns that have become your “comfort zone” for coping, even when they lead to frustration and exhaustion. Recognizing and naming these patterns is the first step in understanding your behavior. But naming alone doesn’t change the behavior. To truly shift how we respond, we need to explore why these patterns developed in the first place.
Why We Repeat Behaviors That No Longer Serve Us
The coping strategies you rely on now likely started in childhood or adolescence when you did the best you could with the resources you had at the time. Back then, certain behaviors may have protected you or helped you navigate difficult situations. For example, being attuned to a parent's mood swings might have kept you safe from conflict. Or, trying to be the "good kid" may have relieved some family tension. These patterns were survival strategies, and they served a purpose—at least for a time.
However, as these behaviors were reinforced over the years, they became part of your unconscious decision-making process. Like a program running in the background, these automatic responses carried over into your adult life. Now, you're beginning to question whether these coping mechanisms still serve you, and that's a critical step toward change.
Putting Thoughts on Trial
One powerful technique to break free from old habits is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique known as “Put Your Thoughts on Trial.” This tool helps you challenge automatic thoughts and beliefs to see if they are still relevant. Ask yourself:
Why do I feel responsible for other people’s happiness over my own?
Is the belief that I'm responsible for others’ behaviors still true? Was it ever true?
Stopping to reflect on these questions allows you to make conscious, healthier decisions. You no longer have to respond out of habit—you can choose a new path.
Embracing Discomfort as Part of the Change Process
Change isn’t easy. Learning new ways of thinking and behaving can feel uncomfortable, not only for you but also for the people in your life. Others may have come to rely on you behaving in certain ways, even if those ways aren’t healthy for you. But remember, you were already uncomfortable in the old patterns. This new discomfort is part of the process of growth.
Think of it like exercising a new muscle. At first, it’s sore, and you might not want to continue. But over time, you start to feel stronger, healthier, and more capable of handling life’s challenges. Eventually, the discomfort fades, and with your new behaviors, new opportunities will emerge.
Moving Forward
By exploring the origins of your thoughts and behaviors, you gain the power to change them. You can stop repeating patterns that don’t serve you and start living a life where your needs matter. And as you embrace the discomfort of change, you will find yourself in a healthier, more balanced place—ready to live the life you truly deserve.